Posted by Lex Konrad in Relationships | Nov 25, 2008
My life is a parade of threesomes and eager sexkittens and orgiastic delights.
Except for when it isn’t.
I never see these moments coming, the moments that leave me battered and bruised, the moments that make me want to find a dark corner and hide.
The lithe young woman rode my leg, reverse cowgirl, mashing her lips against my wife’s, moaning as my fingers slipped into her black panties and up her shorn but not completely shaven cunt. The three of us stood in a bright stairwell. People smiled as they pressed past us. I cupped a heavy breast in my palm and whispered something into the young woman’s ear.
It should have been brilliant. But it wasn’t. An awkward series of maneuvers ended our spell and the three of us shot off in separate directions like expertly struck billiard balls. Leslie and I weren’t communicating well that night and it showed in our play. I tried to find solace in a bottle of gin.
The next afternoon found me utterly, maniacally horny. It is a state I often find myself in when hungover: once the alcohol evaporates there’s nothing left but hormones. I called my mistress. “I’m gonna fold you in half,” I growled.
She was always willing. “You can do anything you want.”
Sometimes, instead of dealing with my problems like a rational being, I double down. I thought this was what I needed, that I had to get out of the house and fuck someone else. In my crazed state I headed down to the spot where my mistress tended bar, taking a seat and thinking about what I was going to do to her when her shift ended.
My reverie was interrupted by a dreadlocked rasta who sidled up to me and tried to get handsy. “Yo,” I said, grasping his shoulder and pushing him back to a safe distance, “even if I was into that you’re doing it all wrong.” He retreated. I no longer felt comfortably anonymous.
A fetching Asian woman bought me a drink — pleasant enough, I thought — but before long she insisted on having my home address so she could come over the next day and show me her erotic novel-in-progress. By the third time she asked (“I’ll give you five hundred dollars!”) it dawned on me, all too late, that she was not well-acquainted with sanity. She was possessed by that subtle kind of crazy that draws you in and makes you feel like a nutter for even having glimpsed it.
I was relieved when last call came and my mistress gave me permission to tell everyone to get the fuck out. My relief yielded to apprehension when I learned the crazy woman had followed us to the after hours place. When the woman started in again I told her I’d had enough, after which she found another guy to torment. (The next day I would learn the woman had professed her love to the poor guy, only to flee the bar in tears when he turned her down, blowing up his phone with messages through the morning.)
That night the city I loved — the city that had always taken care of me — had gone prickly and tense. People surrounded me, salivating, teeth bared and claws out. I wanted to bolt but I felt the outside world would be even worse, that knives were drawn for me, snipers were waiting amid the urban ruins and landmines were set. After another guy made a grab for me I went to find my mistress. “Take me home now,” I insisted, my firm tone at odds with my shaky resolve. “Please.”
“I am so sorry,” she said to me as we clung to each other in the back seat of a yellow cab. She had nothing to do with this madness though. It was my fault for leaving the house without my warrior’s armor, for placing too much trust in my adopted hometown. It was my fault for doubling down. This flaxen-haired southern belle had always been kind to me — her kindness having been what drew me to her. Most women expect me to play the part of the dashing playboy, the rake, the ideal lover: mysterious and cool and collected and eternally throbbing. My mistress, however, didn’t need me to be a towering inferno of manhood. My weaknesses, my humanity, did not lower me in her eyes.
I made good on my promise when we arrived at hers, which is to say I folded her in half, I fucked her like a beast and I let her gag on me, just the way she liked, my creativity owing as much to her compassion as to my sex drive. A breathless wow was all she could muster when we were finished. It should have been brilliant but I still felt tormented. I thought about my wife, who probably lay across the covers now, half-dressed, having forgotten to turn out the light. Leslie and I could have curled up on the couch and talked and healed the rift but instead I’d pulled away. Perhaps this strange, unsettling night had been my punishment.
My mistress fell silent after awhile. She began to snore lightly. I was too tired to leave and too agitated to sleep peacefully. What am I doing here? I thought over and over as I drifted in and out of sleep. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my wife’s fault. The blame was all mine.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Dispatches | Nov 21, 2008
Whiskey river take my mind
Don’t let her memory torture me
Whiskey river don’t run dry
You’re all I’ve got, take care of me
-Willie Nelson, “Whiskey River”
The White Rabbit. Yeah, no. The last time I was here a dude tried to grab my ass and a chick tried to become my stalker. Crazy town, man. Crazy town.
***
The Axe Man tries to talk my wife and me into buying raffle tickets but I’m not yet drunk enough to try my luck at anything.
***
Viviane is all like I haven’t seen you in a while and I’m all like yeah I know I’m an unreliable friend.
***
I cannot think of anything intelligent to say to Tess and Selina because I’m tall and their cups runneth over.
***
The Bad Man shows up and everyone sez “Oh hey!” And then Sinclair shows up and I give her a hug and I’m meaning to ask her for tips on bending hotchix to my will but then someone says something and I forget.
***
Gotta get some air. The Calico Cat is lost so I text her directions. “How do you spell Forsyth?” I ask the Bad Man.
“Does it matter?”
The Calico Cat looks like a pharmaceutical sales rep. “Nice power suit,” I tell her.
***
The Axe Man and I try to convince the Bad Man to give his eager 20-year-old a go. Having been frustrated in the pursuit of an ideal, I’ve learned to err on the side of pleasure.
Ronen snaps some pictures of us while we’re talking. Leslie is confused because he does not give her time to pose. “He’s taking anti-portraits,” I explain.
***
Morpheus tells me I’m the only one who’s made the connection between his name and the name of the bar we’re standing in. I feel special.
***
I admire the Bad Man’s tenacity. When I meet his former paramour I can see why he’s been holding out. “She’s delightful!” I announce. I can’t put my finger on it yet, but she reminds me of someone.
Leslie takes a shine to the Bad Man’s former paramour’s saucy, tattooed friend.
***
I hold in my hand a slip of paper that entitles me to take liberties with Rachel. Do I just come right out and ask?
I come right out and ask.
She removes her glasses and bends over the bar. I am not satisfied with my first attempt, but the second blow lands solidly upon her right buttock.
When Leslie takes her turn a man tries to sidle up to the bar. “Back off!” she cries. “Spanking in progress.”
***
A youngchick is there for her birthday party. She cannot find anyone to sign her calendar so I lead her around the room introducing her to people. “You should come hang out with us,” she sez.
***
On my way past the coat check I spy a tallchick with curly blond locks. Hot and a little funny looking. Just my type. I stop in my tracks and drink her in head to toe. She smiles. I wait a beat and turn around.
***
Bad Man and company are headed elsewhere. “If you pick these girls up you are welcome to bring them out to meet us,” he sez.
“Dunno. I’m getting a straight vibe and I’m trying to avoid straight women right now.”
***
The tallchick stands on the sidewalk looking bored. Les and I strike up a conversation with her. The woman is Puerto Rican and speaks with a lispy accent. We meet her husband, who does not seem the least bit put off that we are chatting up his wife. She invites us back inside, where she buys us a round (and, egads, a couple shots). I speak with a friend of hers while Leslie slyly obtains the tallchick’s number.
***
We leave, fully intending to hop on the train or whatever, but then I see that Katz’s is still open. I order a pastrami on rye. The sandwich guy hands Leslie a bunch of pickles. We walk down the block to Bereket and while Leslie’s in there ordering falafel I tear into my deli sammich, which is so savory I have to steady myself against a wall lest my buckling legs give out.
I had forgotten that it is sometimes possible to feel the presence of God.
***
The Slipper Room, scene of Leslie’s impromptu burlesque many moons ago. The Bad Man is there with his former paramour and his former paramour’s friend. Leslie falls into an intense conversation with the paramour’s friend while the Bad Man stands, rather stoically, against a booth. I inquire as to the origin of his discontent.
Shrugging helplessly, he says, “She’s in love with someone else.”
All night she’s been happily feeding him the hangman’s rope. It’s like watching someone get kicked in the nuts. Repeatedly. You cross your legs in sympathy.
I’ve been there before.
***
The torture continues. I don’t understand why people play these games — games which serve no purpose other than to introduce bitterness into the world.
***
“I finally figured out who you remind me of,” I tell the paramour.
“Who’s that?”
I am grinning now. “The most evil woman I ever dated. I still remember the moment I decided to break up with her: We were lying in bed one morning and she decided to call in ‘sick’, but when her secretary answered she yelled at the poor girl for picking up on the third ring.”
“Hey! I don’t even have a secretary.”
***
A man in a suit offers me a smoke. It’s weird how people latch on to me. “So what do you do?” I ask him.
“I fuck chicks.”
***
Another strange night draws to a close. The Bad Man’s girls leave, and in time so do the rest of us.
“Forget about her,” I call out as he shuffles across the street. “You deserve someone who wants to be with you.”
So do we all. So do we all.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Sex | Nov 19, 2008
The room is crowded. People are on their third or fourth cocktails. We are talking about weaknesses.
“What’s your weakness, Lex?” someone asks.
I bite my lip, trying to formulate an appropriately clever riposte, when DangerGirl interjects: “Blowjobs!” She lets out a hearty laugh and pinches my midsection. Her dark eyes pierce me.
“What can I say? This woman knows me.” There is much rejoicing.
Later on I’m alone on the patio getting some air. The heavy door opens. DangerGirl leans out to say goodbye. I frown at her. “Get your sexy ass over here and give me a hug.”
We kiss. There is something heavy in my jeans and when I place her hand upon it she smiles. I rush to undo my belt and free my cock, which is by now standing at full attention. She lowers herself, gracefully, to her knees.
DangerGirl’s soft, divine tongue belies her sadistic streak. As she works her mouth around me, her tongue seemingly in motion over the entire surface area of my cock, I am not, I realize, the slightest bit tempted to guide her. Lost in the sensation, I take shallow, shuddering breaths.
She may be on her knees but there’s a fierce intensity in her eyes. She knows she’s got my number.
I hear laughter coming from the other side of the door. We’ll have to stop soon but for now I want to enjoy this. I place my hand over hers and sigh, my gratitude radiating out to the cosmos for bestowing upon me the gift of such understanding friends.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Relationships | Nov 18, 2008
If I am an orgy guy I am ambivalent about it. The sublime is what I am after — the kind of transcendent experiences that stay with you — and if these pleasures are more rewarding than self-gratification, they also require empathy and patience. Fuck and run just doesn’t cut it.
I try to keep my non-monogamous karma in balance by attending a polyamorous event now and then. Really though, when people tell me about their loves and lovers (and I blanch at the thought of all the scheduling involved) I start to feel like polyamory is an in-joke I’ll never get. Maybe I’m a contrarian, but I am always looking for a third way.
I hadn’t given much thought to what to do about the date — it had all been so heady and unexpected — but we did share a philosophical skepticism about things and a common love for my wife’s perfect ass. So when I decided to drop by the poly cocktail hour I invited her along.
“My ex is here,” she told me after Les and I arrived. If I disappear from certain scenes for months at a time, this is why — these little communities are all so incestuous. New York appears to shrink with each passing year (it has limits!). Most of the night I made my rounds, checking in now and then with the date, and most of the night her ex hovered around her, eyeing me like I’d pissed on his hedges. I wanted to pull him aside and let him in on my little secret, that if you learn to let women go you’ll have to beat them off with a stick.
If I was reserved it was because I didn’t want to be one of those people who come to poly parties so they can slobber all over their lovers like status-seeking primates. The sly seductress kept brushing up against me though, and so I pressed her to me as we stood by the bar talking about the sex people think sex-writers have versus the sex they actually have.
“You know, I go to sex parties fully intending to hook up,” she said, “but I’m not often comfortable enough to make it happen.”
“I’ve been going to sex parties off and on for years now… if you’ve seen one big sweaty pile of bodies you’ve seen them all.”
She laughed, and when she did so I tugged at one of her pigtails. “And then there are the creeps, and the people you don’t want to see naked.”
“Right. It’s so much more… fulfilling with people you trust. I guess that’s why I prefer the kind of parties that happen in my living room.”
Later on, over dinner, Les and I conducted our customary debriefing — well, we gossiped like schoolgirls — while our date listened, very much amused at our take on things. Something set me off and I went on a far-ranging rant about how so-called sex-positive communities are still not safe spaces for women, after which I felt slightly self-conscious. Then it struck me that it is probably okay to relax around a woman whose ass I’ve fucked.
Leslie disappeared for a while. We would find out later on that she had been pulled into a comedian’s routine and had, of course, held her own against him. That’s just how my wife rolls. “Theoretically I’m poly,” I told our date. “I also adore my wife. Maybe I’m overly picky, but it’s hard for me to justify taking time away from her to be with other women just because I can.”
There was a time when I was after the perfect fuck, or else the perfect love. These are illusions. I am more confident now that as long as I approach life with a spirit of openness and adventure good things will come my way. Because I’ll never really be the orgy guy, with his eternal hardon and his unending parade of partners, and I’ll never really be the poly guy, with his new-agey philosophy and his five totally serious girlfriends.
There may not be a name for what I do, there may not be an off-the-shelf identity that fits, or a community that reflects my particular viewpoint, but I am content, for the most part, with the path I have chosen.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Sex | Nov 14, 2008
It started with a tentative slap across her backside as she leaned over the counter. Encouraged by her little yelp of delight, I cupped my palm and delivered another blow, and then another, each strike more furious than the last. Leslie joined me, each of us working a side. Our date’s cheeks turned crimson; my hand felt like it had fallen asleep. She gasped when I bit down on the pale, lovely flesh above the crease between buttock and thigh. She purred when I clamped my teeth around her nipple.
I am not certain what prompted the spanking but this pretty newcomer had coaxed something out of hiding. Like Leslie, she was agreeable and giving and just shy enough that her depravity was a delightful shock to me.
Men in relationships often outsource their perversions, or so I have read. This is not for me. My wife has always been my favorite whore. Over the years Leslie and I have done unspeakable things to one another. If I am not as open with our naked guests, it is less a matter of hard limits than of trust.
She is a rather perverted bitch, my wife. She thinks it’s funny, for example, when I try to make her gag while fucking her face. “Gok, gok, gok,” is all I have to say when I want to get a laugh out of her. As our guest looked on I pummeled the back of Leslie’s throat and waited for those lovely sounds: gok gok gok. She furrowed her brow when she disengaged. “Lex!” she protested in her sing-song voice. To our guest, she said, “That gives me the sniffles sometimes.”
The new girl nodded. “It makes my eyes tear up.” Her hair was not quite red and not quite blond. I grabbed what little of it wasn’t already gathered into a tie and pulled her to me, watching as her lips parted and slid down the length of me. Leslie slipped a finger up my ass. Tensing for a moment, I cradled our date’s head in both hands and flattened the tip of her nose against my abdomen. I held her like this, marveling at her ability to open her throat, and thought about what this might look like in x-ray vision. Her eyes were watery by the time she uncoupled from me. “See what I mean?” she said, blinking rapidly.
Leaning over her, I kissed away her tears, certain now that I had to do the thing that had been on my mind all day.
“I don’t know,” she demurred when, eventually, I made my intentions known. “You might be too big for me.” I smiled because I knew this game. It is the game Leslie plays with me: my wife, Our Lady of Perpetual Anal Virginity until I’m deep inside her and she’s begging me to pound her into oblivion.
Our guest uttered a breathy moan when her asshole gave way to the probing of my index finger. Rising from the couch, I let her gobble me up so that she was now impaled at either end. Not satisfied that our date was receiving enough attention, Leslie crouched behind her and lapped at her cunt beneath my pumping digits.
Such exquisite torture. I almost took pity on our new friend.
I still laugh when I think of what Leslie said years ago after I’d convinced her to give assfucking a try. That’s not bad at all! It’s like taking a shit over and over again. She knows how to relax for me now; she knows how to angle herself. I bent her over the easy chair, easing into her, and as I penetrated her ass I watched her round buttocks jiggle. There is something subtle, I think, in the way her smooth muscle wraps around the glans that makes our assfucking feel like love.
An ardent voyeur, our date sat some distance away and studied us as if she expected a quiz on our technique. When her turn came she made me wait, kneeling over her overnight bag and fiddling around with something in there. As she stood, stretching out her taut frame, I saw that she now wore eyeglasses.
I reached out to wrap my arms around her waist. “Oh my god.”
She smiled. “What?”
“How did you know I have a thing for hot lasses wearing glasses?”
She straddled me. My wife grasped my cock and slowly, delicately pushed me into our date’s lubed asshole. The girl closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. “Mmm.” I shuddered when I felt her capitulate and then tense around me. She lowered herself onto my lap, hesitatingly, the way one might step into a very hot bath. I rose inside her.
I had her lie on her back and our negotiations began anew. I ventured a little too far at first, causing her to wince, but soon she drew heavy breaths, her slender body melting into mine as I began to fuck her ass in earnest. I pushed my thumb to her lips and she opened her mouth, biting down on the nail. Leslie crept behind me and again stuck a finger in me, saying, “How do you like that?” The sensation was not unpleasant. I pressed our guest’s legs against her chest so as to get a better view of the in-and-out. “Careful,” she cautioned. “I am not as flexible as your wife.”
I am sure Leslie felt satisfied to hear this.
“Oooh, her toes are curling!” came the cry from my wife. Our date was on all fours now, wrapped tight around me and receiving deep strokes, her head bobbing, her eyes closed. I studied the arc of her spine and the tempting mounds that cushioned my thrusts. Her puppy-like mewling only spurred me on. I felt my wife’s hands on me. When everything went out of focus I told the lovely creature pinned beneath me that her ass was surely about to make me come…
“It always hurts at first,” she was saying as the three of us lay entwined on the couch, “but then it feels great.” I knew what she meant, having been on the receiving end of Leslie’s toys. Pleasure has its price. My dick, for instance, was sore, and yet this did not stop me from having my wife again. In an effort to be a gracious host, I first handed our playmate a vibrator. As she pressed the buzzing chrome bulb between her legs and my wife wrapped her lips around me, I was struck by the decadent absurdity of this scenario.
Our calico kitten has a stripper name. When it was time for good girls to say night night, my anal princess held our kitten to her porcelain bosom. The two of them looked adorable together — innocent even, although neither of them really is innocent.
The contradiction gets me off.
