I don’t really want to repeat myself, but I often do. Anyway, I’m posting this because I started to write this before I wrote Satisfaction. These should probably be combined… but I’ll just put this out there the way I initially thought of it. Maybe it’s a little bit more detail on the related post. I’ll try to change the subject next time. I’m not hating women right now, but I guess I’m having a really hard time a) understanding them and b) understanding why it is that if I myself am a woman, I don’t really seem to have that much better insight into why they do what they do. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been studying them as long as most men I know have been.
Maybe they are more similar to me than I care to admit. That has crossed my mind, but I would like to think that the coldness is not something I convey to others. Maybe my lack of certainty and understanding of myself makes me too sensitive to others’ insensitivities. Maybe these women are more afraid than I and so they guard themselves more tightly. I’ve also had trouble with other women (in a non-sexual situation) where I didn’t play along with their little games… too many people just playing a stupid game that keeps everyone involved from achieving real pleasure?
I used to think that guys were cold. I mean I was just taught that men are insensitive and you can’t trust them. But women can be your friends. You can bond with them and they will show more emotions than a man ever could. It made sense to me since my best friend was a woman. I was never able to reconcile that with the fact that I had more male friends than women friends, and nevertheless, I had some very close relationships with women indeed. The idea that a woman could be so delicate and sensitive and understanding if part of what drew me to be attracted to them. I yearned to find that ultimate intimacy with them (though of course I would never mistaken sex for love, that is clear to me). I just wanted to find that passion, that chemistry combined with gentle beauty unafraid to feel intensity of touch and connection. I thought this could be true. I thought women had this beautiful spirit. The fact that women were never too nice to me just proved to me it was because they didn’t really know the touch of a woman, maybe didn’t want it, maybe didn’t know it could exist. The straight women of course often see me as competition. They can be pretty vicious when they have their eye on something they want and they perceive an obstacle (me). I thought that the solution to that must be to find that connection with women. It was clear to me that I really did like women and it was only my fear of reaching out to them that was keeping me from finding happiness with them. I found that if I stopped hating them like they seemed to hate me, I would find those women who I could make a connection with. If I opened myself up to really be intimate with them, then they would share their beauty with me. They might even share some emotions and intensity. Isn’t that part of what chemistry is about? I used to believe this. I still want to believe this.
I used to think women were so sensitive and unafraid to be in touch with their feelings. Until I started dating them. It was the shock of my life. And I continue to be surprised with each one.
Often, I find that when I see a woman after we’ve hooked up, they can be as distant as if we never touched. I begin again from scratch trying to figure out why I’m left feeling as if I have to impress them. Whether they avoid a hello kiss or other body language that makes me afraid to approach them in a sexy manner. Is it them, or is it me? Well, I don’t think I’m jaded enough to learn from my mistakes because like a fool, I continue to believe that after we’ve been intimate once, I can take them in my arms the second time and build on the good feelings from the previous night. But that almost seems impossible. Sometimes they are more distant. As if they resent me for the “dirty” things they did or as if they finally can no longer pretend. They can only act for so long. Am I just meeting straight women that are bi for a night? Why is is that I keep meeting cold fish who can’t sustain any affection to the second night?
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met some very affectionate women, but, I guess for me, they are few and far between.
